All The Single Ladies

"All the single ladies, all the single ladies..." - okay now listen up!

I am a self-professed hater - of technology, that is. Yes, it's great to be able to send a picture almost as soon as you take it. And the ability to have a navigation system at your fingertips when you've mistakenly arrived at 8th avenue, when you're actual destination is 8th street, is heaven sent. However, when it comes to the internet and matters of the heart, I loathe being involuntarily privy to the personal information of those I don't talk to on a regular basis.

How many people do you know that have had to completely remove their page from a social networking site because sorting through their virtual relationship shrine was too painful to do after the break up?

How many potential dates have you lost because of a picture or comment that was posted/tagged on your page? How many arguments have you gotten into with your significant other for the very same reason?

Have you ever been a victim of a G-chat, facebook, or AIM status assault?

Are you simply tired of having to change, or seeing someone change their relationship status online?

If you have answered in the affirmative to any of the previous questions, don't let yourself or someone you love be a victim any longer. I have a few successful tips to help you avoid the aforementioned heinous crimes...or your money back guaranteed (sorry, I couldn't help it).

All helpline/infomercial jokes aside, I live by a few personal page guidelines to avert any potential drama. For instance, I don't befriend anyone online that I have dated or had real feelings for because, 9 times out of 10, we're truly friends offline. The only loophole is a rebound guy whose friendship is determined by the amount of time spent with them. If it lasted for more than 3 months, their desire to possibly reconnect via the internet will forever live on as a mere "Friend Request". I also stay away from posting pictures of myself being overly affectionate with any guy - its gross publicly and equally as gross digitally.

I know as women, when a man has wronged us, we often feel compelled to post an indirect message to him in every online status possible. But please, just refrain. Because when others are able to track your emotional state online you tend to look like someone who is suffering from bipolar disorder, not a woman scorned. It's much more effective to anonymously bash him on dontdatehimgirl.com - I'm only kidding...that's even worse.

You will never see my relationship status posted online, because unless the status is "married to", to me, its not worth posting. Come to think of it, when I'm married my page will be inactive because my real life status will be...busy - I'd rather spend my time with my hands on my husband and NOT on a computer keyboard.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Hey aren't you writing about relationships on your blog?" Technically, I write about singlehood. And the major difference between my blog and the homepage of your favorite social networking site is you; YOU choose to read my blog because it is strictly for your reading pleasure and YOU will never be unwillingly bombarded with relationship madness.

Don't let your love life be as accessible as a google search of Amy Winehouse's tumultuous relationship with her former husband. Take a cue from Mrs. Sean Carter and try considering your personal relationship with a man sacred, something that should only be shared with the special, wise, and important people in your life. Maybe then he'll be more eager to "put a ring on it."

And for you textual harassers and tweeter beaters, don't think you've escaped my tirade; I have a blog on the way especially for you...


♥ J'aime Bianca

I Am Not "The One"

Riddle Me This? Why is it that practically every man that I have invested more than five minutes of my time - as a friend, girlfriend, or the like - feels as though I am "the one"? I often wonder...

If I have been "the one" on more than one occasion, doesn't that make me another number at this point?

If most men want to make me their wife, does that make me a pseudo-polyandrist (female polygamist)?

Perhaps it's my stretch marks secretly emitting childbearing energy into my aura that only men sense causing them to want to impregnate me.

And finally, if you believe that I am the one for you, but I don't believe you are the one for me, that technically means 1 + -1 = 0, and you have NOTHING!"

There's no way any of this is possible, which leads me to believe that this whole concept of "the one" is as big a myth as monogamy itself.

Allow me to digress. Contrary to what we are taught to believe, it is not human nature to want to be with one person; that's an act we practice because society says its right. There is no undiscovered formula to the reason why the divorce rate is so high or why Cheaters is such a popular television show. Its very simple, we are greedy and our natural instinct leads us to pursue multiple partners.

While we're on the subject, being with multiple partners is not impressive; it's actually effortless because it coincides with the laws of nature. Convincing a woman you have never met to sleep with you is easy; but try convincing a woman to make love to you when she knows you consistently pee on the toilet seat, your morning breath has the ability to reshape eyebrows, and you have a malignant mole growing three quarters of the way between your navel and your left nipple.

So again I ask, if it's our human nature to be with more than one person, where the heck did this obnoxious concept of "the one" come from and why do so many men assign me the title of such? It can only be one of three things:

• Men have implicit qualifications for being “the one” that I have

unwillingly embodied
• There is a shortage of women who are smart, witty, understanding, adventurous

and challenging – which is not to be confused with combative

Or

• There is no such thing as “the one”

I'll let you decide

♥ J'aime Bianca